


Steady

by cassiopeiablack1994



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28768323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassiopeiablack1994/pseuds/cassiopeiablack1994
Summary: James was in love with his best friend. He was aware of it. So was Sirius. But neither of them really knew what to do about it.
Relationships: Sirius Black/James Potter
Comments: 16
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

James was in love with his best friend. He was aware of it. So was Sirius. But neither of them really knew what to do about it. The problem was, James had a very good understanding of the object of his affection, and he was pretty sure he would see a relationship as a cage. James disagreed of course. He knew that if they ever got together their romantic relationship would simply be a wonderful addition to their friendship. They spent most of their time together as it was, and it wasn’t like Sirius had some really active sex life that he was afraid to give up. It was only that Sirius’ family set a precedent in his life of being manipulated and antagonized by the people who were supposed to love him. Their close friendship had developed out of low-expectations and high dependability. If they called themselves in love then the expectations would all the sudden go through the roof, and Sirius would worry that James would start to disappoint him. To be honest James was afraid of that too sometimes. He knew his love for Sirius was infinite, but there were many realities of life after Hogwarts that he hadn’t experienced yet, and he realized those might sometimes make it difficult to show his devotion. He was nevertheless determined to defeat Sirius’ doubt of relationships in general so that he could move on to determining any interest he had in James specifically.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James was staring at Sirius again in Astronomy class. Sirius stubbornly kept his eyes on Jupiter as he felt his gaze burning into the side of his head. James had become fascinated with his profile in recent weeks. He could tell from the way he held eye contact, on the rare occasions when Sirius gave in and looked back, that in James’ mind this was love, and he wasn’t ashamed of it. But Sirius knew that in a while James would realize that it was just a fantasy and Sirius was actually a mess. Suitable as a best friend, but too unreliable to be a boyfriend. James would start ogling someone else’s temple. Or he would finally fulfil everyone’s predictions of the head boy and head girl turning out to be the seventh year’s brightest star-crossed love story. His smile would go back to normal and they would move on. It’s not that Sirius enjoyed that thought, but he knew better than to expect anything else. Every girl and guy who had been drooling over him in sixth year had eventually shut their gaping jaws and directed their eyes elsewhere. Everyone eventually realized that Sirius Black was as imperfect as anyone else, only with better hair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James made a decision as he watched Sirius’ eyes dart to his and then very quickly back up to the sky. He would have to convey his affections directly so that he could begin his campaign to convince Sirius that they should be dating. He strongly suspected that Sirius already knew how he felt, but they couldn’t move forward until he said it out loud. As the class stood up and began dusting themselves off Sirius made his way to James’ side and slung an arm around his shoulder. The tower was freezing at night and the feeling of Sirius’ warmth covering his shoulders was one of immense relief. He lifted his own arm to slide across Sirius’ back in return and they made their way down the winding staircase into the school hallways lined with torches providing a comfortable heat. James leaned his head against Sirius’ shoulder, gaining confidence when he didn’t object. “Hey Sirius?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Would you ever go on a date with me?” Sirius took a while to respond and they kept walking towards Gryffindor Tower.  
After enough time had passed that it would be inescapably rude to remain silent, Sirius reluctantly answered. “I don’t know.”  
James took this in, still not lifting his head from Sirius’ shoulder. It jostled a bit with their steps, but the benefits outweighed the costs. After a moment to think on it he decided that Sirius was being honest, but unhelpful. “Well could you check?” Sirius elbowed him in the ribs as he laughed at his own joke, but he was chuckling as well. James finally lifted his head so that he could look Sirius in the eye. “I really like you. Way more than friends.” He knew better than to use the word love. Not until Sirius was on the same page.  
“I know you think you do but-”  
“I do. Really.” They reached the entrance to the Gryffindor common room. “Bulbadox Juice” James said offhandedly to the Fat Lady while keeping his eyes on Sirius, who was frowning uncomfortably. The portrait swung forward and they climbed into the common room, heading straight for bed as even they were drained after 1am astronomy classes.  
“You say that now, but you haven’t tasted your morning marmalade yet,” Sirius mumbled just loud enough for James to hear.  
“What did you get the elves to put in it?”  
Sirius smirked and shrugged. “You’ll have to wait and see.”  
“Well it’s ruined now. You gave it away!”  
“Nonsense! You’ll be too tired tomorrow morning to remember this until it’s too late.”  
“Evil genius.” Sirius nodded proudly. James knew he was deflecting, but that was fine with him. The topic was open. Now he could begin waging his campaign to win Sirius’ heart.  
James lay awake that night behind the curtains of his four-poster, thinking of the many things he could do to prove to Sirius that he would be a constant for him, whether they stayed friends or became something more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile Sirius was tossing over and over in the next bed, waiting for the adrenaline rush to go down. He knew that James would change his mind, and it would be awkward for him having to backtrack. Sirius wanted to make it as easy on him as possible. So he wouldn’t encourage his attentions. Even if in the moment it had felt really good to hear the words coming out of James’ mouth. Like… really good. He tried to keep his mind from running away with that thought. It wasn’t real. He was just confused because they were so close as friends, and Sirius was pretty. The adolescent brain was highly susceptible to romantic ideation based on nothing more than whim. But it wouldn’t last. It couldn’t. But what if it did? No.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is coming along much faster than I predicted. I'm pretty sure it will be five chapters total. I have all the major plot points in mind, so it's just a matter of actually writing it out in the next couple weeks or so.

At breakfast the next morning, not only James, but Peter and a half a dozen others on their end of the Gryffindor House table, were spitting out their toast onto their plates after the first bite. Remus was spared due to his preference for eggs and sausage in the mornings. He grinned smugly at James retching in the seat across from him. It was excellent. Sirius laughed unrestrainedly at the look of disgust on James’ face. “Ugh! What in bloody hell is that?!” James addressed Sirius, remembering his warning too late as Sirius had predicted.  
Sirius grinned proudly, “Hippogriff bogeys. Had some help from Hagrid.”  
James narrowed his eyes. “Hagrid wouldn’t help you poison innocent Gryffindors just trying to eat their breakfast.”  
Sirius rolled his eyes at the implication that James was an innocent victim. As if he hadn’t turned his hair blue for a full day’s classes last week. “‘Course not. I told him it was for a potion I was working on.”  
“And he believed that?!”  
“It’s Hagrid.” James nodded in understanding.  
“I just hope you realize the level of revenge I’m now obliged to carry out.”  
“Well that’s not very gentlemanly, to ruthlessly prank the object of your affection” Sirius mocked. Why the fuck did he bring that up? He was supposed to be ignoring James’ confession and politely rebuffing any further offers. This was not the plan. James was going to think he was interested. And then he was going to be disappointed when Sirius had to correct him. Sirius really didn’t want that. But he couldn’t get into a relationship with James when he knew it would fall apart a month or so into it, leaving Sirius with no love and no best friend. He could not handle that. James was the only person who had never disappointed him, and he was not about to give him the opportunity to.  
When James spoke it was calmly. Sirius could tell he was doing his best to restrain any excitement from spilling into his voice, so that he merely came across as casually hopeful. “Does that mean you’ve thought about it?”  
“I-um- We should go to class early before McGonagall starts to investigate the marmalade.”  
James’ face only fell a bit. “Right. Let’s go.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James tried to be encouraged by the morning’s slip up. Sirius was thinking about it. He might not have reached a conclusion yet, but James had half expected complete rejection last night. So this was good. And even better, he already had a plan for his first display. He was going to prove to Sirius that he understood him. If he was efficient he might be able to do it tonight. He just needed to do some research.  
James, Sirius, and Remus had a free-period after lunch when Peter was in Herbology. James convinced them both to go with him to the library. Remus started on his ancient runes homework. James dropped his bag and started to look through the stacks. Sirius pulled out a pocket-knife and started to etch dirty words into the underside of the desk. James smiled at him while he wasn’t looking.  
He started by looking in Hogwarts; a History. Unfortunately they didn’t list the specific spell used, so he had to flip through the contents of several volumes on weather charms and glamours. Eventually he found what he was looking for, the spell the founders had used to make the ceiling of the great hall mirror the sky. He just needed to make a few adjustments. He set about figuring out how to manipulate the spell to his specifications. It would require some very precise spellwork. Unfortunately that meant it was probably going to take more than one study session and some trial and error. He sighed with impatience. Sirius leaned over to see what he was working on and James quickly covered the parchment he was making notes on. Sirius’ left eyebrow went up. “Keeping secrets from me now, are you?”  
“Only the good kind.”  
“Didn’t know there was one.”  
That was when Remus chimed in in a whisper. “Of course there are. Mine for example, hurts no one and allows me an education.”  
“Fair point. Are you also a werewolf Prongs?” James just shakes his head, grateful to Remus for lightening the conversation. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James didn’t seem to be letting this go. Sirius knew he wouldn’t keep secrets from him unless he was planning a surprise, and the last thing he wanted was for James to make this idea of his into a spectacle. It would be worse for both of them. As it was, when all of this turned out to be a huge mistake, no one but the two of them would know and there was only so much embarrassment that could be felt between two best friends who had shared a room since they were eleven. If it was public it would be more painful. Sirius had to nudge James away from any grand gestures. If he was lucky, he could get James to lose interest entirely. It couldn’t be too hard. And that was what Sirius wanted. Definitely.  
The perfect opportunity came a couple days later in DADA when the beautiful Emmeline Vance sauntered up to ask James if he wanted to be partners for non-verbal counterjinx practice. “Actually I-” James started, but Sirius cut him off.  
“He’d love to.” James turned to him in confusion, and Sirius flinched at the unexpected hurt in his eyes. He did his best to shrug off the guilt and winked at James. “I’m doing you a favor” he whispered. James’ frown did not lift. He just slowly turned away towards Emmeline. Sirius walked over and stole Remus from Peter, forcing him to pair with an unpleasant looking Slytherin girl who was the only person left without a partner. That should settle it, he thought. Surely James would take the hint as the kindness that it was and discreetly move on. He watched him with Emmeline throughout the class, and it seemed to be going well. They smiled and even occasionally laughed between mock-duels. Sirius left the class with a sense of accomplishment.  
That feeling shattered however when he got up to the dormitories that evening. He froze in the doorway, dropping his bag and causing Peter to bump his nose on his spine as he crashed into him. The whole ceiling had been transformed into the sky on a perfectly clear night. Every constellation was visible, and canis major was positioned right over his bed. He looked out the window and noted the sun was still on its way down. So the charm must keep it always night time in their room. The night had always been comforting to Sirius; The power and energy of being alive while everyone else slept. He was free. He would never tell anyone, but he liked the stars too. He may hate most of his family, but he liked to pretend that a different version of them lived in the stars. A better version, where they all loved and protected each other. Where Orion was fond of the dog at his feet rather than pondering whether to kick it. James was beaming at him from his bed, and Sirius ran to give him a fierce hug. He didn’t know how James knew how much this would mean to him. All he knew was he was damn lucky to have James in his life. He tried to impart all of his fondness into his hug. Then he moved to his bed and closed the curtains so the others wouldn’t see his teary eyes. He heard Peter griping on the other side of the room about his nose and Remus commenting that the ceiling looked nice. It wasn’t nice. It was beautiful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James loved seeing Sirius happy. When he smiled James felt like he had done something right. Like his own existence was more justified just for the scrunch of his nose. But when the euphoria of seeing that expression faded he was left with the sinking feeling that this wasn’t going well. Sure Sirius hadn’t given him a straightforward no... but he was pointedly avoiding the topic at this point. And he had pushed him towards that girl in DADA class. You just didn’t do that if you were interested in someone. If this wasn’t what Sirius wanted then he should respect that and stop. He tried to imagine living his whole life only being friends with Sirius. They could get a flat together after Hogwarts. With separate rooms. And probably separate jobs. Their schedules would be off, so they would only really see each other for an hour or two around dinner time. And then Padfoot would eventually get a boyfriend or a girlfriend and they wouldn’t even have that. Because eventually he would get over his fears and want a relationship, he was too sentimental not to. Just not James. He wanted to sink into himself and hide from the world at that thought. He couldn’t live that life. He had to try, at least one more time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys have any story ideas to do after this let me know. I know there are a couple other Prongsfoot writers who take requests, but I feel like we can never have enough content for these two.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer wait- longer chapter.

The more James thought about it the more he was sure that he had read too much into Sirius not wanting to be his partner that day. Sirius had probably just wanted some space so he didn’t have any more false-starts like that morning. For the next few weeks Sirius was glued to James’ side as usual, and neither of them said anything about dating. James was going to give Sirius as long as he needed to work out his feelings. Was he starting to believe the day would never come when Sirius would take his hand and say ‘let’s give this a try’? Maybe. Maybe a part of him was a little disappointed that Sirius hadn’t just kissed him when he asked him out and asked what he’d been waiting for. Maybe that part of him was starting to be a little disappointed that this really seemed to be a difficult decision for Sirius. The larger part of him knew that Sirius was just adjusting to the idea and had good reason to be scared of messing up their friendship with a romantic relationship. So he waited. And he planned. Maybe Sirius just needed one more nudge to realize how committed James was to him either way. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sirius woke up on his birthday to the same alarming sight he did every year. His three best friends’ faces were hovering right above him, grinning and shouting “Happy Birthday!” as soon as they saw his eyes open. He yanked the pillow out from under his head and began swinging wildly.

“Begone demons!” They all laughed and ran for their own pillows. Soon they were all catching their breath standing in the aftermath of a great battle. Feathers were everywhere, and Sirius’ mattress had slid out of the frame so that half of it hung over the side of the bed and only one corner still held the sheet. 

An hour later they were polishing off the last of a magnificent breakfast James had gotten the house elves to cater in their dorm room. He’d gotten them to make waffles, Sirius’ favorite because wizards would simply never have thought to make them. Apparently it had been quite a task for the elves, and the one called Sabby, who delivered the food, was beaming with pride upon delivery. After a lazy round of exploding snap James stood up and asked Sirius if he’d go for a walk around the grounds with him. This wasn’t exactly fitting with the typical chaos of a marauder’s birthday, but Remus and Peter didn’t seem surprised. Sirius guessed James had mentioned this plan to them, which made him nervous. 

They wandered around for about twenty minutes talking about absolutely nothing before Sirius couldn’t handle the suspense anymore. “Ok what are we doing out here?”

He didn’t know what he was expecting James to say. Maybe that it was time and he needed a direct answer from Sirius about the status of their relationship. To be honest Sirius didn’t understand why he hadn’t just told James ‘no’. It was the right thing to do. To let him down quickly so he could move on to crush on someone else. He thought about it a couple of times, but he didn’t know how to bring it up. And in the times when he should have said it, like when James had first asked or the next day or after James had spent time learning and improving magic from the days of the Hogwarts founders just for him, he found he just hadn’t had the heart. On all those occasions James had looked so adorably genuine that Sirius couldn’t bear to burst his bubble by telling him he wasn’t worth the trouble. Or maybe now would be the ‘Haha sorry I thought I liked you for a minute. That was awkward. Let's pretend it never happened’ conversation. He told himself that that was what he wanted to hear. It would be hard, seeing the embarrassment in his best friend’s eyes for ever having thought Sirius was worthy. But ultimately it was better to know now than to let his hopes rise any further, which they seemed to be determined to do no matter what he thought about it. He didn’t know what he was expecting James to say but it wasn’t “I have your birthday present.”

“What d’you mean? We don’t do birthday presents.” It was a rule amongst the marauders that they celebrated each other’s birthdays with experiences not gifts, so as not to put any emphasis on Peter not being able to buy expensive ones. 

James held out his hand, and Sirius saw a silver key on his palm. He took it and examined it, confused. “It’s to a flat in London.” 

“You got me a flat?” This seemed an extraordinary gesture even for James. And it wasn’t like Sirius couldn’t afford his own flat. He was quite well off since his uncle Alphard had died. The wanker had got into such a grudge match with his brother he had left all his fortune to Sirius just to piss him off. 

“Well actually, I got us a flat. I figured we could live there together after school.” When Sirius didn’t respond he rushed to continue. “There’s two bedrooms. And I figure if we don’t end up using the second you could use it as a workspace. You know; maps, inventions, turning muggle stuff magic, all that. I know how much you love coming up with those things, and I don’t want you to think you have to give it up because we’re done with school.” Sirius did love inventing. He especially loved inventing with James. When they got in the zone they would bounce ideas off each other faster than they could articulate the words, but they always understood each other perfectly. No one else in the school knew what they were talking about half the time and most people just assumed they were crazy, but they just didn’t appreciate the higher level of thought the two could enter as a pair. Sirius could picture it. Living with James, creating magical masterpieces on a whim, James’ head in his lap as they listened to records on an enchanted machine that never skipped- Sirius made a mental note to remember that idea, falling asleep curled up with James and waking up with his face smashed into James’ chest. It felt like a fairytale. And it was. Life could never be that good. Beautiful dreams were warped by reality into messy, painful heartbreak. Mothers’ love became outrage and disapproval. Trusted brothers became cowardly traitors. Sirius didn’t want to know what true love with James would turn into.

So he ran. Literally. Bolted back to the castle, letting the wind blow away the tears from his eyes. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James stood rooted to the spot where Sirius had left him. James had thought it was an unshakeable plan. He specifically got two rooms so that Sirius would know he had options, and that James would still be there for him whether it was as his boyfriend or his best friend. He had never considered until this moment that Sirius didn’t want him in his life at all after graduation. He clearly expected them to go their separate ways and move on from childish pursuits and childish friendships. James felt his heart collapsing in on itself. He didn’t know why he had thought that he knew Sirius so well. He didn’t know anything about how he felt. He had stupidly assumed that the occasional goofy smile at an inside joke meant that Sirius felt the same infinite fondness for James that he felt for him. Stupid. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Sirius got back to the dormitory, he went straight for his bed. He was determined to wallow in his misery for at least the rest of the day, maybe forever. He heard his curtains rustle as they were pushed aside. “What’s going on, where's James?” 

“Leave me alone Remus.”

“No, it’s your birthday. Where’s James?”

“He asked me to move in with him.” 

“But you already live with him.”

“No in a flat.”

“So he’s off looking for a flat?”

“Already bought one.”

“So where is he?”

“I don’t know. I ran away.” At this a frustrated sigh sounded from behind Remus and Sirius lifted his head to look at Peter.

“I can’t believe you. What’s it gonna take for you to realize he’s in love with you?”

“I know that.” Did he? It felt like the truth when he said it.

“But you don’t feel the same?” Remus asked. 

“It’s not that-”

Peter jumped in again, “He loves you. You love him. That’s everything! Just be happy already!”

“I’ll wreck it. Or he’ll wreck it. Or life will wreck it. It’s hopeless. We’re better off staying as we are.”

“Good luck with that.” Sirius couldn’t fathom what Peter meant by that. James walked into the dormitory without speaking to any of them. He sat on his bed and pulled the curtains closed without a word. 

“Well you can’t spend your birthday like this. Come on I have an idea. Very muggle. You’ll love it.” Remus pulled at Sirius’ arms until he was forced onto his feet. Peter called to James to see if he was joining, but he remained silent, so the three boys left the room and headed down the stairs with stubborn frowns on their faces. When they got to the lake, which had frozen early this year, Remus pointed his wand at each of their boots in turn and said “ferrum”. Blades appeared on the soles. Sirius was confused. What the hell were they going to be cutting with their feet? But then Remus stepped onto the ice and began to glide. Wicked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James watched through the common room window as his friends moved across the surface of the lake. He wondered what muggle invention let them do that. Whatever it was it didn’t seem to work very well, Sirius and Peter kept falling on their arses. Remus, however, glided in circles around them as if he was weightless. It was really quite beautiful. Or at least he could see that it would be to someone who’s heart wasn’t a fine dust falling amongst his other organs, mucking them up and slowing them down until he was barely breathing. He felt like his whole life, his whole idea of himself was centered around his relationship with Sirius. If Sirius wanted nothing to do with him, who even was he?


	4. Chapter 4

Sirius needed to talk to James. When he woke up that morning James was still in his bed with the curtains drawn. He didn’t make it down to breakfast in time to eat, and Sirius was starting to think he should have woken him up. He didn’t show up to charms at all. That was when Sirius was sure something was wrong. James hardly ever missed classes unless it was for a prank or to help Moony around the full moon. Sirius must have really hurt his feelings when he ran away yesterday. That was a stupid thought. Of course he had hurt him. Running away from someone when they asked you so sweetly to live with them was inherently hurtful. He needed to explain, but he had no idea what the explanation would be. ‘James, I’m sorry I ran away from you after you told me you got an apartment for me, but I just can’t handle the idea of being happy?’ It sounded insane even in his own head. So, without a plan or any idea how his doing so would be of any help, Sirius blew off second period potions to go find James. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James was lying in his bed wallowing. He wasn’t sure how long he was going to be able to get away with hiding up here. He was simultaneously relieved and aggrieved that he hadn’t been pulled back into life yet. A part of his brain reminded him that if he wanted things to be like they were, he would have to actually get up and interact with his friends and try to be like he had been. But that felt impossible right now. How could he pretend that Sirius wasn’t the sun around which he revolved? He was the best part of his life, and the only thing that made him absolutely sure his existence was worthwhile. But he had gone so far in trying to convince Sirius to be with him that he had forgotten to keep tabs on Sirius’ plans. They were so often in sync that it had come as quite a shock to James that they had such different ideas of where their friendship was going in the future. But now that James thought about it, why wouldn’t they? It’s not like they had talked about it much. James had talked. Sirius had avoided him. James had thought it was an issue of trust, but maybe Sirius really just didn’t need him the way he needed Sirius.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sirius stepped into their dorm and looked around for James. There was nobody in view, and there was no light coming from the lou. He noticed James’ curtains were still drawn and poked his head in. The bed was empty. He was about to turn away and go check the kitchens when he heard a breath. He felt around on the bed and pulled the invisibility cloak away, revealing James. He was curled up and facing away from Sirius, resolutely refusing to acknowledge that he had been caught. Sirius sighed. He couldn’t remember seeing James like this and it really worried him. He sat down with his back to the headboard and let a hand fall to the back of James head, fingers running through his hair in what Sirius hoped was a reassuring way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sirius was petting him. Of course the dog would think that was the best way to make someone feel better. He wasn’t wrong though. It felt really nice. James turned and rested his head on Sirius’ thigh so he had a better angle. He felt the peace of being close to Sirius wash over him. 

His peace was abruptly disturbed when Sirius said “I can’t live with you James.” in a somber tone. 

“Why?” James was not proud of the way his voice croaked. Sirius sighed sadly.

“I just… I need to know that I can do it on my own.”

“Do what?”

“Everything.” He wanted to do everything alone? James was never gonna see him again. This was an excuse. He was trying to let James down easy. It’s not you it’s me. But in the end, all it came down to was Sirius was done with the part of his life that involved James. He was an adult. He didn’t need to stay with James or his parents. He was free to live the wild and beautiful life that he had always dreamed of. He would probably immerse himself in the muggle world and join a motorcycle gang, or start up a shop to sell his inventions. He’d spend carefree nights in pubs pulling blokes he’d hope never to see again. Meanwhile James would be alone, missing someone who he’d never really known. What happened to life on a planet when its sun decided to drift into other galaxies? It died. The rational part of his brain told him he didn’t know all of this. Maybe Sirius was being honest, and this was just something he had to prove to himself. He tried to piece together the reality he had abandoned, but he couldn’t quite get there. There were two versions of Sirius in his head now. One was the loyal best friend who James knew like the back of his hand. He had his issues, but they weren’t his fault and he loved James fiercely, even if it wasn’t romantic. The other was this new Sirius who James feared had always been real and he just hadn’t noticed. This Sirius was humoring him in their friendship. Sure maybe he enjoyed some of their time together, but he wasn’t looking for his school years to last forever. James had been silly really. He had always assumed that the marauders were forever, that Padfoot and Prongs were an unshakeable duo, and he and Sirius would grow old laughing at each others jokes and sleeping in each others arms. 

“Okay.” He didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t know who he was speaking to. “I’m sorry I ruined your birthday.”

“You didn’t. Shit. I’m the arse who ran away like that.” James glanced up to see Sirius’ worried eyes watching his face intently. “You know I love you right? I would love to live with you. I just can’t right now.”

“I know.” But he didn’t. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was bad. It was like James had gone hollow. He only spoke when they asked him a question. And his responses were timid, no wit. It was like he was afraid of offending them all of a sudden. Which was ridiculous because James Potter had abandoned all pretenses of being a polite child when he first opened his mouth at Platform 9¾ and told Sirius that his whole family looked like they had smelled something rotten and asked if it was possible they had all forgotten to bathe. Sirius had laughed so hard that his mother had found it necessary to smack his head rather hard for his misconduct. Ever since that day every conversation between them had been like a tennis match of sarcasm and clever barbs, directed at others or each other, and the biggest asshole won. They enjoyed it. Neither of them took offense, because they each understood that they meant no harm, only to make each other laugh. Now whenever Sirius tried to instigate this foundational habit of their friendship James’ face flickered to a frown and he deflected without returning the ball. “What’s wrong with him?” Peter asked one day when James responded to ‘You look older than Dumbledore with those bags under your eyes’ with ‘Didn’t get much sleep’. 

“I don’t know.” Peter raised his eyebrows, because rare was the occasion when Sirius couldn’t explain his best friend’s behavior. “I’m on it.” He knew that James was still upset about the apartment, but they could always live together someday. Sirius just couldn’t go all in on their relationship only to watch it fall apart. And he knew it would be unfair to live with James when he was trying to get over him. Someday, they could share an apartment in the city as friends and live their bachelor fantasies. That would be nice. 

Sirius kept checking in on James, trying to get him to come out of the cave he was hiding his personality away in. But James would say ‘I’m fine’ and Sirius wouldn’t know what to say except ‘No you’re not. What can I do?’, to which James would reply that he didn’t have to do anything for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James had lost himself. He kept trying to get back, except he wasn’t sure that the world he was in was at all what he had thought it was. He and Sirius had always traded insults, it was their way. But now James found himself questioning if he was actually annoying Sirius and he was just putting up with him to be nice. Or worse, maybe Sirius actually meant the things he said to James and had been laughing behind his back about how James thought they were joking. If Sirius didn’t really like him did anyone? His parents had always doted on their miracle baby. Maybe James had just assumed everyone liked him because he had come to expect it? James could see no path forward but to go their separate ways after graduation and hopefully James would make new friends wherever he ended up who actually wanted him around. Then again, maybe he was being paranoid and his friends liked him fine and if he did that he would be the one abandoning them. 

James was so confused. He tried to maintain the person he had always been with his friends just in case, though he wasn’t sure he was doing it right, and meanwhile he started talking to other people that he had always ignored because he didn’t need them. He became friendlier with Lily once he started actually talking to her on corridor patrol duty. He found himself spending more time with the younger players on the team. He knew they appreciated their captain trying to be their friend. They looked up to him, so it was unlikely he was annoying them. And some of them were quite bright. O’Malley had given him a genius new idea for a chasers’ strategy that he was eager to put in place. He wasn’t exactly excited about life. But he was doing okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the time a month had passed and James was still behaving oddly, Sirius was gutted. He had tried everything to get his Jaimie back, but he was gone. It had never occurred to Sirius that he could lose James without even reaching for more. He had pictured a thousand scenarios where something went wrong with their romance and they dramatically fell out. He had never imagined James slowly fading away from him before his eyes. He was right next to him on the bench in the Great Hall, but Sirius was alone. 

Screw it. If Sirius was going to lose James either way, he might as well try. There was some chance this could be perfect, even if it was slim. “James?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you have any plans for Hogsmeade this weekend?” James didn’t look up. He clearly didn’t realize what Sirius was getting at.

“Yeah I said I’d go with Lily.” James shrugged like it was no big deal while Sirius felt his heart fall out of his chest and hit the floor. This was his nightmare. Why hadn’t he just said yes when James had asked him out? Why had he been so afraid? It all seemed so stupid now. Because he was too late. He had lost his one chance at happiness. He had lost James at his side for the rest of his life. 

“Oh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry


	5. Chapter 5

Around 3 pm on Saturday, James can be seen sat at a table in the Three Broomsticks across from Lily Evans. He was smiling. She was laughing. All around them people were whispering about how they had seen it coming or how it wouldn’t last. Sirius was sitting at the bar, glaring at them. He tried but was unable to move his gaze or pretend to be indifferent. He couldn’t believe he had let himself get carried away with the idea of them as a couple. Clearly this had always been coming. He wished James had been less of his idiot. It was his fault really. He pursued Sirius. He told him he meant it. He had stuck to Sirius like glue for 7 years. He had taken him in and made him family when he ran away. How could anyone in Sirius’ position avoid falling for him. Admittedly his logic was a bit muddled by copious amounts of firewhiskey, but he was pretty sure James had done this to him! So when James finally noticed him looking and gave an excited wave, it was no wonder he snapped.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Don’t you wave at me!” Sirius’ voice carried across the pub making everyone turn their heads in his direction. James guessed he was speaking louder than he had intended due to his drunken state. “You… fuckin’... disappear, ignore me whenever I talk to you, and now one date with her and you're all better?” Sirius stood up from his stool and almost fell over, having to catch himself on the bar. “Happy James is back everyone! All it took was abandoning his friends for the magnificent Miss. Evans!” 

James was suddenly overwhelmed with relief. Because James could understand Sirius when he was angry. It was a state he was exceptionally familiar with. And now James knew with perfect certainty, Sirius missed him. He couldn’t help the grin that widened on his face as he turned back to Lily. “This was nice. I had a great time. I should probably get him to bed though.” he explained, gesturing in Sirius’ direction. Lily nodded understandingly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The bastard was smirking. Sirius watched as James said his goodbyes with Lily and she kissed him on the cheek before he turned back around. Sirius couldn't categorize the smile he still wore as anything less than evil. He wanted to bite it off his face. Mmm. “C’mon mate.” He felt James’ arm swing around to support his waist and he forgot what he had been mad about. He leaned into James as they walked out of the crowded pub and started the long journey back to the castle. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sirius woke up late the next day with a raging hangover. He soon realized what had woken him up was James plopping down next to him on his bed. He held out a goblet to Sirius.

“Pepper up” James answered his raised eyebrow. “You up for exploding snap?”

“You must be kidding.” Sirius’ head was throbbing, and just the thought of cards exploding in loud bursts of sparks made him scrunch his eyes in pain. It was a nice change though, from the past few weeks, for James to be waking Sirius up to entertain him. He tried to think what could have improved James’ mood and then he remembered yesterday’s events. It had been Evans to raise his spirits. James had finally found someone worthy of him, who didn’t have stupid commitment issues. And Sirius had gotten so upset. He cringed at the spectacle he had made. Sirius was an arse. He had created his own misery, and then he had had the nerve to go and blame James for it. Why wasn’t James furious with him? “Shouldn’t you be off with Lily somewhere?” James shrugs.

“I told her I was spending the day with you, if that’s alright?”

“Of course it is.” James’ face visibly relaxed, and an easy smile rose on his face. “Why are you doing this?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been awful to you lately.”

“No you haven’t. You just don’t want to be with me. I’m sorry I pushed.”

“What about yesterday?”

“Ah yes. You were a right terror. I’m sure anyone else would have been confused or upset with you, but I figured you were just worried I wouldn’t have time for you anymore. So I thought I’d show you that I will.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Well if you don’t want to play we can do something else. Or I can just leave you alone.” James’ expression was unbearably sad. How could he ever think Sirius didn’t want him around? He thought through the conversation again and realized where he might’ve gotten that impression. He began to laugh.

“I’m not trying to get rid of you Prongs.” His face lifted a bit, but not as much as Sirius had expected. He could still see worry in his hazel eyes, so he hurried to his point. “It’s just, you really can find an excuse for anything I do can’t you? I don’t understand how you put up with me. When you asked me out I ignored it for weeks and you just said I needed to take my time. You had this perfect plan for us, got us an apartment and started talking about building a workshop for me, I’ve never been that thoughtful in my life! And I ran away from you!” He gasped for breath as laughter came over him again. “And then when you finally move on I go and blow up at you for being happy. I crashed my broom into your house in the middle of the night with no warning and you took me in like it was nothing. I give you nothing in return. I’ll never be half as good a friend as you. I really don’t understand why you’re here.”

James looked appalled. “You give me everything. When you’re around, everything is better. I don’t do things for you because I want something in return, I just want to see you happy. You’re my best friend and I love you. My parents love you too by the way. You make life 10000 times more interesting. You’re always there when I need you.” He sighs and his tone shifts from emphatic to confessional. “I’m sorry it took me so long to admit to myself that you didn’t feel the same way as me. And I’m sorry I’ve been shutting you out. I’ve been really scared. I just don’t want us to lose each other. When we leave school and get jobs and don’t have time to see friends anymore and people start to fall away... You’re the one I want to hang on to. I don’t want to know who I’d be without you”

“I love you James, really, but I don’t deserve you. Some day you’re gonna realize that.”

“You love me?” Sirius rolls his eyes at how James has once again completely missed the point. But then maybe he hadn’t. Sirius was never going to be as thoughtful and generous and patient as James, but he loved him. He had been so worried about James getting sick of him if they started to date, but the madman in front of him clearly wasn’t going anywhere. And Sirius had never considered the possibility of losing him if things stayed the way they were. He was sure that would never happen entirely. But he didn’t want to feel James slowly fading out of his life. He wanted him right next to him. Always. He reached forward and grabbed James’ robes, pulling him into a kiss. He felt James smile against his lips as soon as his brain caught up to what was happening, so broadly that all Sirius really felt was teeth against his lips at the moment. They spent a long few minutes getting to know the insides of each other’s mouths. 

When they pulled away Sirius expected James to realize what he was doing and that he had a girlfriend and become conflicted, but James only sighed contentedly. “I still think the way you love me is a little unhealthy.” Sirius said lightly.

“It’s not unhealthy. It’s just unconditional. I know you would never hurt me on purpose.” Sirius stared into hazel eyes, brimming with sincerity. 

“I wouldn’t.” Sirius still held James’ gaze so he would know he meant it. Eventually James blinked.

“I should go.”

“Where?” Sirius asked. They had just gotten together after all. It was a little early for James to  
be ditching their plans at the last minute. Sure Sirius had never technically agreed to the game, actually it was the last thing he was planning on doing with this persistent pounding in his head, but that was semantics.

“Gotta go breakup with Lily!” he said with a grin. “Not that there’s much to break up. It was just one date. But still, best to be upfront with these things.” Then he turned and actually skipped away. He should probably try to muster a little less enthusiasm to face Lily, but Sirius wasn’t one to judge at the moment. The thought of Lily’s rejection had done nothing to temper his own wide smile, nor the sense of peace that had washed over him the instant his lips had touched James’.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sirius was not surprised that James was open with his affection in front of Remus and Peter. After all, marauders didn’t keep secrets from each other, and Peter had guessed at their feelings anyways. Surprisingly intuitive that one. Remus looked like the sight of them snogging was hurting his eyes, but he was supportive of course, ‘I just don’t need to see it’. Sirius was, however, surprised when at breakfast on Monday, James preferred to nibble on Sirius’ ear rather than his toast. They got a lot of strange looks, some just surprised, some scandalized, and some downright rude. “Are you sure you want everyone to know about this?” Sirius whispered to James. “There are a lot of people who aren’t going to like us for it.” 

James smiled confidently. “I’d like to see them try and ruin my good mood.” He grabbed Sirius’ jaw and turned his head so he could kiss him. “I could never hide how I feel about you.” James’ confidence was infectious, and at his words Sirius too believed they were untouchable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's call this the end of Part 1. It will probably be a little while before my next update, but this series will continue.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is. Where part one was all about accepting their feelings and getting together, part two will be about adjusting to their changing relationship and becoming adults. This chapter is pretty fluffy. Hope you enjoy.

When the glowing couple made to exit the great hall at the end of the meal they found their path obstructed by a thin, pale-faced boy with a very neat if unfortunate dark bowlcut. “Regulus.” Sirius’ issues with his parents were not his issues with his brother. While his parents had begun inflicting emotional trauma upon him from the time he could stand, Regulus had been his reprieve until a couple years ago. Sirius had been devastated when Regulus refused to run away with him. Regulus said they had a duty to their parents and their ancestors to stay and abide by pureblood tradition. He believed that both sons running away would tarnish the noble house of Black irreparably. Sirius had never realized until that moment how much of their parents’ bullshit Regulus had accepted as fact. He had always kind of assumed his brother saw it as clearly as he did. When Sirius would rant to him after a scuffle with their mother he had always nodded along quietly. Sirius had taken that as agreement. He had realized in one awful moment that it was nothing more than appeasement, and when he ran away that night he would no longer have a brother. At least not in Regulus. Still, a part of him refused to believe that he was as bad as it seemed like he probably was. 

“Sirius. Haven’t you done enough to mock our family? Your stunts can’t do any more damage to the Black name than they already have.” Sirius rejected the premise of Regulus’ comment.

“I don’t know what stunt you’re referring to. Anyway Regulus, you know my boyfriend James.” ‘Know’ was a strong word. Even when they were on good terms, Regulus had always been awkward and stilted in his friends’ presence, and as a result they had spent very little time together. 

“You can’t be serious about this.”

“I’m Sirius about everything. Can’t help that.” Regulus glared darkly at him.

“You may have no respect for our family legacy, but surely even you must care about this terrible waste of magical blood you’re risking.”

James chimed in. “Not a waste. Two happy people is never a waste.” Sirius kissed him quickly before backing him up.  
“Better to let our bloodlines disappear than to produce another generation of pureblood puppets in loveless arranged marriages like you intend to.” 

“I am not a puppet. I simply give a damn about our culture.” 

“Your culture is a bunch of inbred lunatics who somehow think they have a right to pass judgement on other people!” He was raising his voice now, and there were more than a few gazes fixed on the confrontation. In truth, Sirius wasn’t really as upset as he ought to be. He supposed this conversation was only confirming what a part of him had known was true for a long time, Regulus was as much a blood purist as his unsavory Slytherin classmates and despicable parents. There was a strange calm in knowing this. The anxious part of him that wondered if maybe there was something he should be doing to save Regulus could settle. 

“You’re disgusting. You call us lunatics when you’re the one shagging other wizards. At least my life makes sense.” Ah yes. Run of the mill homophobia now. He had run out of blood purist rhetoric and was getting down to the truth of his disapproval.

“First of all, ‘wizard’ not ‘wizards’. And what doesn’t make sense? James is fit. I’m fit. We get along like Fillibuster’s in pumpkin juice. Two fit best friends decide to be a couple so they can go on dates and do stupid couple shite and snog each other’s faces off. Makes much more sense than you letting that Bulstrode girl drag you to Madam Puddifoot’s and spit all over you while she talks your ear off every Hogsmeade weekend just because our wretched mother thinks you make a suitable pair.”

“My relationship with Mathilda is none of your concern.”

“Huh interesting. You know come to think of it, our relationship is none of your concern!” James said with a smile. Sirius loved him so much. 

“You know, you’re right!” Sirius wrapped one arm around James’ waist and shoved Reg - no, Regulus- out of the way so they could walk through the oak doors that lead to the entrance way and the staircases. “That was fun. You feel like blowing off Potions to go snog on the astronomy tower?” The astronomy tower was always deserted during the day. For much of the marauders’ Hogwarts careers they had neglected this space, assuming others would have claimed it as a hookup spot ages ago, but they had been surprised to learn this wasn’t the case when they completed the tracing charms on the map.

“Absolutely.” James grabbed his hand and swung it between them as they walked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sirius’ strength always amazed James. If it had been his brother telling him he was disgusting, well, he didn’t know. The closest thing he had to brothers were Remus and Peter. Now that he thought about it, he was extremely relieved they were both okay with him and Sirius dating. It would have hurt a lot to lose them. They were a team, and James never wanted Sirius or himself to feel like they had to play alone. 

As they walked down from the tower James imagined he could still feel Sirius’ hands in his hair, his lips on his jaw and throat, his hips pressed against his own. Being so close to him with no more need to restrain his desires felt like being engulfed by a very strong patronus, warm and safe and powerful. He hoped it would always feel that way. 

In contrast to his admirable control in the face of his brother’s disapproval earlier, Sirius was a nervous mess as they neared the Transfiguration classroom. It wouldn’t have been noticeable to the casual observer, but James could feel his hand shaking slightly in his own. He wondered what was causing his worry. He looked around for the source, but he didn’t see anyone important, and no one was staring in a particularly offensive way. Sirius took a deep, calming breath at the threshold before they stepped into the room in perfect stride with one another. It took James a few minutes after they were seated to realize Sirius was looking anywhere but the front of the room. Oh! James wanted to laugh, but he restrained himself for his boyfriend’s sake. Sirius was worried about McGonagall’s reaction to their relationship! He supposed it made sense. McGonagall was a fair woman, their inspiration in their endeavor to master her subject as quickly as possible in order to help Remus, and probably the only woman in Sirius’ life from whom he could ascertain his moral standing. Well aside from mum, but she was in England and she didn’t know about them yet. James supposed they should really write to tell their parents they were together. He wasn’t quite sure how that would go over. Not that he thought they would be really upset about them being gay. He just wasn’t sure how it would feel for them for the two boys they regarded as sons to be dating. That was a worry for another time though. James leaned over, kissed Sirius on the cheek, and whispered “It’s gonna be okay.” 

Sirius turned to him with wide eyes and whispered back “I know”, but James could tell he wasn’t sure. That was when the Scot herself spoke; she always did have good timing. 

“Ah yes Albus said a new couple had caused quite a stir at breakfast this morning. I trust this won’t be distracting you from your work boys?” James and Sirius both shook their heads. 

“Of course not professor” Sirius said, and McGonagall smiled. It absolutely would be distracting them if James had any say. But he knew that it really didn’t matter. At fifteen the marauders had reached and exceeded N.E.W.T. standards in Transfiguration. They only attended classes to make sure they didn’t get rusty, and to see their favorite professor of course. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that night James and Sirius sat in front of the fire composing a letter to Fleamont and Euphemia. They had written a few lines of greeting, but the ink was drying on the quill in James’ hand as they tried to decide the best way to deliver their news. Sirius thought they should just keep it short and sweet. ‘We’re a couple now. How is the new chicken coop going? Getting many eggs? Looking forward to winter hols. Love, James and Sirius’, but James thought context would be helpful for them. He wanted to tell the whole story of how they had gotten together. Sirius didn’t, in large part because he didn’t think their story wouldn’t paint him in a very good light. Euphemia’s reaction to hearing that James had made his feelings clear, waited months for Sirius to say something, and eventually tried to move on only for Sirius to suddenly change his mind, was not something that Sirius wanted to experience. He was sure a howler would turn up the next day telling Sirius that her dear Jamie deserved better. And Sirius would completely agree with her. Somehow other people’s anger was always worse when he agreed with them. “Nope. No way. It’s nobody's business how we got together but ours.” He folded his arms and rearranged his face into his most stubborn pout. 

James stared him right in the eye for a minute, clearly trying to identify the problem without asking. Then a hand reached out and tucked a strand of hair that had been hanging in Sirius’ face behind his ear. James ran his hand over Sirius’ head over and over, his fingers just barely brushing through the top layer of hair, making it very difficult for him to hold his expression. “I just want them to know that we’ve thought about this a lot, that we mean it.”

Sirius sighed and let his pout go, leaning into James’ hand. “Why don’t you just say that then. They don’t need to know all of it.”

“Okay.” James kissed his temple then dipped his quill in the ink again and wrote ‘We’ve been talking about it for a while, and Sirius and I have agreed we’re more than friends or brothers. Our other mates have been great about it so far. We’re really happy, and we hope you both will be too.’ 

Sirius read over James’ shoulder. “You sound very adult Jamie.” 

“Yeah.” He quirked his mouth. “I don’t think there’s a way to say how I feel about you without sounding all formal.”

“It’s good though. Maybe later you can write me some sonnets.” James smiled, grabbed his face, and dragged him into a long kiss. 

When they finally pulled apart he whispered “I’ve got much better ideas for later.” Sirius actually had to restrain himself from giggling. Instead he wore his trademark ‘up to no good smirk’ and snatched the quill out from between James’ hand and his own cheek where it had been trapped. 

“Let’s finish this letter then so we can get on with it!” James nodded and hurried to sign his name after Sirius’. Once the parchment was rolled up and shoved in James’ bag, James grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the common room. Sirius wasn’t sure where they were going, but James had never led him wrong before.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be out for Valentine's Day but I decided to have anxiety that day instead. Anyways it's a long one, enjoy.

It was the middle of the night. Sirius and James had yet to return to the Gryffindor common room, but they had the map with them and they were well-versed in which corridors were patrolled at what times, so they weren't worried about being caught. They each held a large biscuit in their free hands while the others were clasped and swung between them. James thought this was the definition of a perfect night. They had wandered around the castle daring each other to make-out in more and more dangerous places. In the dungeons where the Slytherins passed by frequently, in a corner of the Ravenclaw common room (they’d had to hide the Gryffindor markings on their robes with magic and had kept their heads down as they entered but nobody seemed to notice), up against the door to the staffroom. They hadn’t been caught, but that was really just dumb luck. They had then made a trip to the kitchens for large mugs of tea and oversized biscuits. Most of the house-elves were asleep at this time of night, so it was a less chaotic scene than usual. While they ate they had chatted with the head baker while he prepared pastries for breakfast the next morning. James was getting a bit sleepy, but he didn’t want the night to end. Just then a rude voice came from a couple meters behind them. “Ugh, do you have to do that in public?” They both turned to see a group of Slytherins walking behind them, all with sour expressions on their faces. The one who was speaking James recognized as Robert Goyle. “Now I’m gonna have nightmares.” 

“I’ve lost my appetite” said the girl on Goyle’s left, Meadows James thought it was, and she vanished a plate of chicken and mash. That wasn’t okay. They must have been to the kitchens shortly after they had left, but the chefs weren’t supposed to be awake for a couple of hours to make sausage and eggs and whatnot for breakfast, and James was sure the elves were too proud to ever serve someone left overs. 

“Oh dear James we’ve given the snakes indigestion with our unseemly hand-holding.” Sirius was always eloquent with his comebacks. It was a skill he had probably picked up from his family, but James would never point it out, because it was also one of James’ many favorite things about Sirius. 

“How rude of us” James added with his best phony sincerity, “here” he stepped away from Sirius and held out his arms to keep the distance between them. Sirius caught on and did the same. “Better?” 

“Less gay?” Sirius asked. While they waited for an answer Sirius wiggled his fingers so they brushed James’. He looked over into grey eyes glimmering with mischief and grinned widely. They turned and kept walking towards their common room. ‘They really are thick’ James thought as they turned a corner and he realized that the Slytherins still hadn’t found anything to say. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sirius was in his new favorite position, curled up next to James on his bed with Sirius’ arms wrapped around James keeping him close. He could tell that James was about to fall asleep but he had had a thought a minute ago and he needed to know if he had messed things up. “James?”

“Mmh?” 

“You didn’t sell the apartment did you?”

“Huh?” James’ eyes blinked open for a minute looking into his own. “No ‘course not.”

“Oh. Good. I thought you might’ve gotten rid of it ‘cause of how I ran away.”

“Should’ve” was the reply “but I guess I wasn’t that far into accepting you didn’t want me.”

Sirius knew he should say something sweet like ‘I’m glad’ but what came out was “far enough to take Evans out”. James huffed and rolled on top of him, burrowing his face in his neck. 

“You’re impossible” he grumbled into Sirius’ neck. Then he kissed the spot he had warmed with his breath and snuggled in to sleep. Sirius was slightly uncomfortable with most of James’ weight on his left side, but he seemed very comfortable and Sirius wasn’t about to make him move. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep himself. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It took three tries of Slughorn calling on Goyle and him not responding for anyone to realize that it was because he couldn’t. As soon as the counter to the lip-locking jinx had freed him, Goyle hurried to tell the professor that it was Potter and Black and that they did it to Meadows and Crabbe as well. James gave Sirius a curious look, not surprised that it happened but wondering when. Sirius grinned back and wiggled his eyebrows as if to say ‘I know I’m brilliant’. They both received detentions for Sirius’ crime and 20 points were taken from Gryffindor. James wasn’t too worried though. The teachers gave up on putting them in separate detentions when they realized that no work was getting done and they were somehow contacting each other. And he was sure he could make up the house points in the Gryffindor Hufflepuff match coming the weekend after next. The class was rather dull, and the two of them hardly found it worthy of their attention. When they finally got out of the gloomy classroom James elbowed Sirius as they walked, “Okay when?” 

“Oh around the time you were setting up the joke, silent of course.” 

“Nice one.”

Sirius looped his arm through James’. “This is why we get along so well. No one else appreciates my talent for losing house points in clever ways.” 

James shook his head in mock sorrow. “Such a shame.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Their conversation last night had not really been what Sirius had meant it to be. It hadn’t really been much of a conversation at all as James had been on the edge of sleep. Sirius needed to know what they were going to be doing after school. Having the apartment was good, but it wasn’t everything. He wanted to know what their lives were going to look like. It was possible that Sirius was hoping James’ vision of the future would help to fill in the gaps in his own vision. They were nearing the end of the first half of seventh year, N.E.W.T.s were fast approaching, and Sirius still didn’t know what he wanted to do. He was pretty good in all of his classes, so he wasn’t worried about having options. But it would be nice to be able to narrow down the list of applications to be sent. He thought maybe the aurors or the Department of Mysteries could be interesting, he assumed based on no knowledge of what unspeakables actually did, but neither felt quite right. He was pretty sure James was still set on a quidditch career, so he knew that being a cheerleader would be his unofficial job. He was quite looking forward to embarrassing James with elaborate costumes with the colors and symbols of whatever team he ended up playing for. “Hey babe?”

James had a mouthful of soup, but still immediately answered “yuuh?”

“What does our future look like?” 

“Which part?” Sirius smiled. He loved that James took a long view of their relationship. 

“The next part. After school”

“Well we’ll live together in London.”

“Uhuh”

“I’ll probably have a busy training schedule, but we’ll have the evenings together. Hopefully see our friends occasionally…”

“Right. What am I gonna be doing while you’re at training?”

“That’s really up to you love.” Sirius groaned and smushed his face into his hand. 

“I don’t want it to be up to me. I have no ideas.” James laughed at that, but he threw a comforting arm around his shoulders. 

"You've got nothing but ideas. It's just a matter of figuring out which one feels right."

“You could be a boomslang skinner” Remus chimed in helpfully. Sirius shivered at the mental image.

“Or a cockroach clusterer” Peter added.

“You could sell thin-bottomed cauldrons in Nocturne Alley.” Sirius could see that this was going to last a while so he closed his eyes and tuned them out. When they got to mention of flesh eating slug-repellent testers he felt someone sit next to him on the side James was not occupying. 

“What are we talking about?” came Lily Evans’ voice. Sirius opened his eyes and looked at her. He was rather surprised she had chosen to sit by them, assuming she would be at least a little bitter about how her day with James had gone. But he supposed that had been a while ago now. 

“Career ideas for Sirius” explained Remus.

“Ooh, you could be a muggle custodian!” Sirius didn’t know that word. He was intrigued. He did love muggle stuff, and he hadn’t really considered the idea of working a muggle job.

“What’s that?”

“Well muggles don’t have cleaning spells obviously, so office buildings and schools and places will hire people to clean up everyone’s messes by hand. Like Filch but without anyone vanishing all the simple spills.” Wow. Just thinking about that exhausted him.

“That has got to be the worst job in the world.” Lily nodded her agreement. 

“What about you Lils, what does your future hold?” Lily’s expression darkened a bit. James’ question had seemed harmless enough to Sirius. Maybe she was feeling as indecisive as he was himself and didn’t want to think about it. 

“Well I’ll probably have to go into hiding once school is over. The Death Eaters are everywhere now, targeting muggle-borns. Without the protection of Hogwarts it’s not really safe anywhere in the wizarding world for me. The mood around the table was immediately somber. Sirius had not considered that. There were a handful of muggle-borns in their year, some in every house, in every year, throughout the school. He hadn’t thought about where all of them would go when they had to leave Dumbledore’s protection. 

“I’m so sorry I hadn’t thought,” James started softly “If you need a place to hide, my family’s manor is very well protected.”

Lily glanced at Sirius. “I don’t know. I don’t want to impose on your family.”

“No you should” Sirius said, surprising himself. “James’ family are great. They’d love to have you. And you’re top at potions, I’m sure Fleamont would love to take you under his wing.” Lily’s eyes went wide. 

Looking past Sirius to James she demanded “Fleamont Potter… is your dad?” James nodded. 

“Our dad” he corrected, jostling Sirius’ shoulder. Lily quirked an eyebrow. Sirius’ living arrangements since the summer before sixth year weren’t common knowledge, and Sirius was sure referring to their shared family sounded even stranger now that they were a couple, but James could never resist the urge to make sure Sirius knew he belonged. 

“I’ve lived with them for a couple years,” he said quickly. He wasn’t really up for a full explanation of his family problems right now. Lily looked like she wanted to ask more questions, but thought better of it. 

“We’ll write home and tell dad about you. I’m sure he’ll hire you as an apprentice with your marks and our recommendation. The house is big enough if you need to bring your family too.” Lily stared at James for a minute. When she apparently realized the offer was genuine, she hugged Sirius tightly and then got up and threw her arms around James the same way. James looked rather taken aback and patted her awkwardly until she released him. Sirius tried to stamp down the part of him that was nervous about their contact. Sirius knew how much James loved him. He knew that he had only gone out with Lily because he had been trying to move on from the pain Sirius had caused. James had never wanted the picture perfect pairing their school mates had encouraged. Sirius was just going to have to keep reminding himself of those truths as long as this arrangement lasted. It shouldn’t be too hard. After all soon James and he would be living all alone in their very own apartment. They would probably only need to stay at the manor for a few days while they moved in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday night found James and Sirius hidden beneath the invisibility cloak, leaning against the wall in a corner of the Slytherin Common Room, desperately hoping nobody bumped into them. Sirius had had a brilliant idea for a prank. Remus and Peter had refused to participate, spending their evening with their noses planted in books, preparing for N.E.W.T.s. James felt this was a waste of the weekend when they were still months away from exams. For Peter it was a bit more understandable as he was a slow learner, but Remus was clever enough. James never understood why he felt compelled to read every suggested material and work twice as anyone else on his essays. They were only going to be young once after all. And this was their last year to wreak havoc in this school. 

When the last snake had finally slithered off to bed, they set to work turning everything in the room to rainbow colors. They soon stood in a positive acid trip of a space, the polar opposite of the gloomy dungeon it had replaced. Sirius suggested they stay the night so they didn’t miss the reactions in the morning. James agreed easily and they sat down on one of the more spacious couches. 

After a while their conversation drifted to the future again. James could tell it was weighing heavily on Sirius’ mind. He supposed this was the case for most seventh years this close to graduation. James didn’t know what that was like. He had been set on playing professional quidditch since he was six years old and put the quaffle through the center hoop for the first time. Sirius didn’t have anything to worry about. Between his uncle’s money and James’ career he would always be financially stable, and he was the most talented person James knew. He was certain whatever career Sirius ended up wanting he would excel at. 

As they sat and thought about that, James’ mind drifted to Lily. He supposed he had been vaguely aware of how bad it was for muggleborns for most of his school years. So many things were beginning to feel real for the first time as they prepared to leave Hogwarts though, most prominently the war consuming the wizarding world. James couldn’t help but feel that now that he was an adult, he had a responsibility to do something to help. “I think maybe we should fight.”

Sirius’ eyebrows shot up. “What do you mean?”

“Well, You Know Who has been getting more power steadily for how many years now? I think we ought to do something to help get rid of him, join the aurors or something.” Sirius seemed alarmed. This was not a reaction he was expecting from his boyfriend. Sirius had never shied away from a challenge. He seemed to think very carefully about what he said next. 

“How about this, I’ll worry about doing our part in this war, and you worry about making your dreams come true. You deserve it. You’ve already worked so hard for this. You’re a shoe-in to make a league team next season. I’m not letting you give it all up.” James wanted to retort that he wasn’t about to let Sirius go off fighting in a war without him, but he was distracted by the lips that were suddenly on his, hot and desperate. Sirius swung a leg over James so he was sitting on his lap, both boys still covered by the invisibility cloak. One hand was buried in the hair at the bottom of James’ neck, and the other was getting dangerously low as it slowly caressed his abdomen. 

“Are we really doing this here?” James could not find it in himself to be opposed to the idea. In this state he only found the danger exciting. Still he had never pictured the first time they properly fooled around together happening in the Slytherin common room. 

“I can think of no better place to dishonor my ancestors.” He tried not to be hurt that Sirius was thinking about pissing his family off at a time like this. Sirius was always thinking about how to piss them off. That didn’t mean that James wasn’t the most important thing to him in this moment. Still, James decided to ensure he was all Sirius could think about. 

He leant his head and brushed his lips against Sirius’ ear as he whispered “forget about them”. Then he bit gently at the lobe before moving to suck just behind his ear. He tasted sweet and musky at the same time, and James couldn’t get enough. He had to use one hand to push the hair away while the other worked at unbuttoning Sirius’ nightshirt. 

They lost themselves in each other and for the moment neither thought of war nor families nor future, only here and now and love and lust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is as close to smut as you'll get from me. Just not my thing.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. Haven't had much chance to write. Hope you enjoy!

Sirius woke up just in time to shake James awake and drag them back to the corner before the first Slytherins came down. Dorcas Meadows was the first on the scene. She looked around, chuckled and muttered “nice” before Marrieta Bulstrode came in. Dorcas turned to her with a suddenly vicious expression and said “We’re gonna kill those freaks.” 

Sirius and James shared a look of pure shock. Dorcas’ quick change of personalities rivaled Sirius’ mother when guests arrived. They were soon distracted by other arrivals and many murderous faces which they found highly amusing. They followed some second years out, and stayed under the cloak until they got to the fat lady’s portrait. As they were climbing the many stairs between the dungeons and their tower, Sirius’ mind kept circling back to Dorcas. What was that initial reaction about? If she didn’t have a problem with gay people, why had she been so vocal in her distaste for their relationship? It seemed she was going a bit above and beyond if her goal was just to fit in with the other hateful Slytherins. Was she gay herself? Probably Sirius decided. So what should he do with that information? “So what d’you reckon about Dorcas? That was odd, wasn’t it?”

“Very.”

“Do you think we should ask her about it?”

“Don’t reckon that would help, love, seems to me she’s pretty determined to keep up her rep.”

“I know. But maybe if we could talk to her alone?”

“Maybe… we’d have to set a trap…”

Sirius nodded. “Keep it to ourselves for now?”

James agreed easily, “solemnly swear.”

“solemnly swear.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were several things working together to set James on edge by the morning of the match against Hufflepuff.

For one, he was getting sick of the comments on his relationship. They had been kicked out of Puddifoot’s last Sunday because the manager claimed their presence was ‘distressing the customers’. Being forced to leave that stuffy tea shop was no great loss, but it had put a heavy feeling in his gut for the rest of the afternoon. 

Adding to that, they still hadn’t heard back from mum and dad, about Lily or about their relationship. It was more than a little long to wait for an owl response from the Potters. They were the type of people who always wrote back immediately so that their owl would be there the next day with their reply. James really hadn’t thought that his parents would have much trouble with the news. They were kind people. Sure it might be a little weird because they had thought that Sirius was like a brother to him, there had even been a time when he had convinced himself of that, but surely they could just write that if that was what they were thinking. ‘It may take us some time to get used to the idea, but we support you and we’re happy you're happy.’ That was all they had to say. They would be there to watch him play today, they always were, and James was starting to dread talking with them after the game. 

Finally, as if all of that weren’t enough, McGonagall had pulled him aside after Transfiguration on Friday to tell him that a recruiter for the Tornadoes would be at the game to watch him play. This was both incredible and terrifying news for James. He had to play well today, because this might be his one and only shot at going pro. It had been his dream since he had turned 5 years old and his mother had given him his first broomstick and taught him how to ride. 

Sirius pushed a plate full of marmalade toast in front of him. “Eat babe. You’ll be brilliant. Even your off days would blow that scout’s mind.” James took the food gratefully, and tried to give his boyfriend a grateful smile, but he knew he still looked anxious. The food helped calm him a little. At the very least, the action of chewing gave him something to think about other than how many things could go wrong today. He watched Siri as he ate. He was decked out in crimson and gold to show his support. He had charmed his robe red and his cloak gold, so he looked a bit like a king who lived a couple centuries ago. Or he would if he hadn’t also charmed his hair to be red and gold striped and shinier than ever. James was sure Sirius had never gone this over the top with his wardrobe before, but he supposed there were only a few games left for them to bathe in their Gryffindor glory before graduation. Great, add preemptive nostalgia to his list of turmoils. 

He ran his hand through his boyfriend’s multicolored mane and leaned in for a quick kiss. “You look crazy” he whispered into his lips. 

“No, I look spirited.”

“Mhmm. As spirited as Peter that one time we saw a veela over summer hols.”

Sirius pressed his hands into James’ chest and kissed him more deeply. “Well, you’re my veela.” A shiver went down James’ spine. Suddenly he was feeling quite confident. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sirius was on his feet the whole game. When his eyes weren’t on James, he was watching the broadly built, raven-haired woman representing the Tornadoes, trying to determine her thoughts on James’ performance. He watched her eyebrows go up and her chin give a slight nod after James managed to put the quaffle in the left hoop from about 6 meters away. 

James played brilliantly as ever, and Gryffindor ended up winning 270 to 40. The recruiter had been writing notes all game, and she watched James with a smile as he flew down to congratulate his team. Sirius turned his focus back to James, watching his big goofy victory grin. It put a warm feeling in his gut to see James so happy. He quickly extracted himself from the hugs and hopped back on his broom, and before Sirius could blink James was hovering over his head. He bent down and offered an arm. “Victory lap?” He eagerly climbed on the back of his boyfriend’s broom, wrapping his arms around his waist. James turned his head to face him so they could kiss.

“You were amazing babe. I was watching the Tornadoes lady the whole time. She definitely loves you.”

“You think?”

“Definitely.” And then they were off, first circling the pitch for a few laps and then flying higher and doing loops in the air. Sirius clung tightly to James. Heights weren’t his favorite, but he knew James would never let him fall. He was an expert flyer after all. They eventually swooped down to land near the scout, who was wearing a much sterner expression than before. His gut clenched.

“Mr. Potter, it was lovely to see you play. You certainly have talent.” Her tone was icy. 

“Thank you. Thank you for coming. It would be a dream to play for the Tornadoes” James replied. She nodded curtly.

“We are considering many candidates. You’ll receive an owl in the next few weeks if you’ve been selected for trials.” With that she turned and began marching in the direction of the gate. 

“That was… quick. What do you think?” James turned to him, clearly battling with disappointment. 

“I… I don’t know. Hard to say with these people, all professionalism. She said you’re talented though. That’s got to be a good thing.” Sirius didn't think it had gone well, and he had a feeling he knew why, but he didn't want to jump to conclusions and ruin the celebration of a match well-played.

“Yeah”

“You ought not to make such a spectacle of yourselves boys.” Sirius turned to see Mr and Mrs Potter approaching behind them. They must have caught the end of their conversation because Fleamont continued “The woman can’t recommend to a team that they hire someone who’s going to spark that kind of controversy.”

James’ eyes went cold as he turned to face his parents. “Dad. Not a word from you since we told you about our relationship and now you show up criticizing us? I really didn’t think you were that kind of person.”

“Well dear, we didn’t respond because we thought it might be one of your jokes. But now that we’re here, we can see you were being truthful. We’re just concerned. How you handle this could affect both your futures. We just want you to be careful honey.” Euphemia took a gentle tone, but her expression was sour.

Sirius felt guilt course through him. How had he been so thoughtless. He shouldn’t have gotten on the broom. He might have just ruined James’ best shot at going pro. 

“Is that all?” James asked. 

“This is what you both want? You’re sure?” Fleamont asked, looking them each in the eye in turn. James and Sirius both nodded, and Sirius felt James slide his arm protectively around his waist. Fleamont sighed. “Alright then. That’s the way it is.” Euphemia hugged them both. Sirius found that for once he was grateful to have the air squeezed out of him by his pseudo-mother’s embrace. “As for your friend you wrote to me about, I’ll have to see her N.E.W.T. results before I can make a decision about an apprenticeship, but she and her family are welcome to stay under our protection.” 

“Great. We’ll go tell her.” 

“Of course. We’ll leave you to your celebrating dears. Good job today James. You flew so well. We’re very proud of you.”

“Thanks mum”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James was staring at the ceiling, thoughts swirling. He thought Sirius was asleep next to him until he startled him by speaking. “You okay?”

“Yeah... I don’t know.” 

“I’m sorry I messed things up for you with the recruiter.” James balked. It hadn't even been Sirius' idea, and he wouldn't be upset with him if it had.

“You didn’t do anything. The whole thing is so stupid. We didn’t do anything. We’re just us. It has nothing to do with how I fly. I could score a million points, and some people would still think whatever team I play on is soft for hiring a pansy.” It was beginning to feel hopeless. Everyday he was coming closer and closer to the realization that this little hope he was hanging onto, that he could get picked for a major team, become famous, fly for a living, ignore the war and the hate and the stress and do what he loved anyways, was all just a fantasy. It would never be his life, for so many reasons. James wondered if that made him just like all the other washouts who never make it farther than their house teams. He supposed so. 

“We don’t have to be so public. I wasn’t thinking. I should have thought of this. If we’re just a bit more low key in the future, the other scouts won’t know.”

“I told you I wouldn’t hide you.”

“I know, but this is your dream. It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

“Well I do. I don’t want to play for a team that would reject the best part of me.”

“Aww I’m the best part of you?”

“No, I was talking about my poor sportsmanship. Those professional types, they’ll never understand the genius of demoralizing the opposition by rubbing my perfect relationship in their faces right after smoking them on the pitch.” Sirius broke into fits of laughter and rolled on top of him, propping himself up with his elbows on either side of James’ head.

“You are a genius baby. They’ll never regain their pride. How could anyone touch the great James Potter and his arm candy?” James laughed with him until they were both too tired to continue. Sirius sank down beside him and pulled him into a cuddle. He focused on the sound of Siri’s breathing until the thoughts finally faded and he drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated :)


End file.
